im soo psst

all i doo is crawl for jeremy and treat him like gold..all i get is ignored and put aside..wtf did i do to deserve all of this. he puts me aside for fucking bitch ass motherfucking leah..ive had it with her bull shit they tell me not to hate her but give me one good reason why shouldnt...so he can be friendly wih her.....jason is actin werid too his borhter he hardly says hi.its ridiculous if there is a scam behind all this then i want to know.;....so far ..omg ive so fuckin had it if he dosent call me back im gona haunt is swetest dreams

nobody posts anymore

in am inrevcably inescapably totally sickenly inlove with jeremy lee white. we are back together..but we are keep our relationship private..at least out of the noses of leah and pauls. i dont even go over there or hardly answer there phone calls anymore..if they call me i know its only because they need or want something..here it is plain and simple paul cant take a hint..and leave an issue alone and leah oh god..leah is a two faced backstabbing drama queen who lies, cheats, constanly is trying to flirt and touch my boyfriend jeremy..she keeps grabing his dick...jeremys like well shes just playing..playing my ass..shes tyrying to pisss me off and congradulations it works you stuped bitch...but see what she dosent realize is that i am more intellegent, beautiful, caring, kind, than she will ever be and i stress the intellgence two....if it was legal id kill this girl...i will eventually find a way to get her out of jeremys and mines life...well i actually already have a way...but its very risky and im still thinkin bout it.may not have to tho...her boyfriend hasnt been paying his rent for months or insurance which he dosent have...he lies to leah lol...if she only knew the shit he tells me and dosent tell her lmao...god..im so ahead of the game...but anyways they are being evicted HELL YEAH. i think this is gods way of keeping me from completely ruining my life and commiting the ultimate sin...god does look out for me and im happy for it..luv you god,..i always play dumb for them...if they realize that im secretly in my mind making fun of them because im way smarter than both of them...oh god.....paul thinks hes so smart..but all of his debating is a bunch of bullshit..hes trys to come off smart but hes actually talking bullshit lmao...i just go with it..can you say cooocooo..and leah somenbody needs to kill that bitch she shouldnt even exsist..can u say fucked up, i have no idea how anybody could stand to go out with her and paul...i dont get how he does it..ive come top the conclusion that he is so desperate not to be alone that he pulled leah off the streets of women(the easiest) and said come live with me..haha..do they not realize i know them completely..know cuz they think im this cluty absent minded blond....give that off to aviod confrontation. I HATE DRAMA..EXP LEAHS RIDICULOUS BITCH ASS DRAMA does she need to have everything made a big deal to be happy..god....somebody shoot her..well anyways im gonna go do something luv everybody who took the time to read my complaining...

im playin for keeps

okay so ive been lackin to update this..me and jeremy broke up but got back together..he took me to meet the family..hes family luvs me..his brother took me 4-wheelin and then we went swimmin in the creek..and fished a little bit..jeremy just watched and didnt envole himself....he keeps callin me a red neck....errrrrr...i really think i love him...ive realized i love matt but not in the way i thought..its craxy this love triangle sht...the one thing that scares me tho bout my and jeremys relationship is leah and paul...no just leah..it is vey obvious leah has a attrction towards jeremy and i fear it is self returned to her by jeremy. and leah is a drama queen..i just one smack her in the face and tell her to be real..jeremys best friend paul which is a good friend of mine and leahs boyfriend feels the same way..he was telling me how she drives him nuts with her bullshit...they do not do well together..i fear pauls gonna lose it with her..everytime she has issues with e or paul she runs to jeremy my bf and pauls best friend....ive haD IT WITH LEAH..i love jeremy and i wish leah could be removed from the picture..but how...ill come up with something....omg i love jeremy...me and megan sat down and talked the other day bout our issues with each other and then she said i was really the only person she had ......i felt honored but at the same time i felt like someone just droped a million bolders on my sholders..i love megan with all my heart and ill always be there for her......i wanna get away for a while to clear my head....its racing and churning and screaming.....i need a break from people and the drama..im used to being alone and now i have a large circle of friends and they are all conected and it creates drama...i never have time to myself anymore....i actually miss it...thats bad...i wish it was just me and jeremy...not leah and paul....tooooo...well i gotta get off here and do laundry/...tata

i cant fix u and u dont want me

ok so right now me and my boyfriend..i think..r fighting cuz he thinks i had sex with one of my good friends matt tompson..come on now...plus i think im in love with dem both now...one wants me half way and the other fully..or did i think..ive just had it...my girl megan went to the hospital the other day..i was worried shitless bout her....ugh..everythings fine do....i think...um lately ive felt like my friends r trying to make me pick and choose my friends and im just sooo stressed and i dont know what yto do bout it but try like always to make EVERYONE happy......i want to stay wit jeremey but my gosh hes so fucking complicated...damn..and i thouyght i was a drama queen haha....neways..ttyall later

when im with him i am thinking of you

ok so heres the update..ive been back in contact with matt and for some reason completely fell..i didnt tell him that tho..i just told him i hadnt been attracted to a guy in over a year untill i started to talk to him...he was atually supposed to come up today but he never showed...im really hurt over that..i started crying..crying for god sakes....andi cant call him for some reason his phone wont work..and he hasnt called me or bothered to call and say hey..im not showing..fuck that man..i met some new awesome friends..leah,paul and jeremy...jeremy likes me tho but nothing really clicks..but once matt told me he wasnt into me i said what the hell..lets give this guy a try..but when im with him all im thinking of is matt. wtf its so wrong but i cant stop...i dont understand i dont...and the fucked up thing is that in highschool matt was like inlove with me and now that i am into him its like..wtf ever..yeah im always second best...as many times as ive been thru this shit ud think itd hurt less..it hurts more and more.....i wish hed call me..if he really caqres like he says he wouldnt leave me hangin...but who knows...

halluluia..oh wait..i forgot his number

ok so i went swimin today..i met this really cute guy 24 yers old and likes everything i like...except..i didnt have the guts to ask his number....i was waitin for him..tuped stuped me...he loved the ocean, to travel, and he made me feel speacial...not many people can do that anymore..so im..like fuck it.so ima have to go to kianawha city pool more often and tey to catch this guys number....im back at my apartment for the first time in a week...and a feel a hell of alot beter than when i left.....supposbly one a my friends might be comn back up to live with me but....idk..somethin just doesent seem right to me.....but maybe im being paranoid...who knows....ive been dalin with the he said she said drama again. i hate that shit..but everything got worked out on both sides so its alright......one of my friends moms is callin me askin bout her daughter..well she left a voicemail cuz i wasnt there at the time my phone rang...i was swimming..(hugs water)...so when i heard the voicemail..i was like shit..cuz my friend had asked me to not tell her where shes at but her mother was like please call me back i really need to get ahold of her..i really like her mom and want to tell her whats goin on but o also dont want to upset my friend and ruin our friendship...so im in a kind of perdicument here....thats life for ya tho...so yeah...well im gonna go try and get ahold of this dude i just met..so holla if ya know me..if not get the fuck off my blog

fuck fuck fuck fuck

ok so im sittin here cryin my eyes out hopin to god that its not her on the computer at her house..cuz if so that means shes not pickin up which means her stuped mother fucking boyfriend is tellin her no can speak to me..and if i find out thats the case im gonna go down to belington police station and start some helll. and if its that she rather choose him over me as a friend..well then ive just about had it. i wish everone would just shut the fuck up and listen to me for once..ive been thru it fucking all ...i love megan to death..i fuckin do but this is bullshit..maybe im just overreactin. maybe its him from his computer at work and megans out somewhere...but if thats not the case im gonna give people hell. IVE HAD IT

she be talkin to me like im dumb. i shouldve known

ok so today i was horrible. me and megan got into a argument and then she left today. i cried before she left but after she left i think i cried for three hours straight...ohh if you could only feel my headache. i called a hotline and they calmed me down..my mom says shes tired of me and my problems. so no help from thatcold hearted bitch......i hate my mm sometimes. i just got done eating cheeses stick...i have this bad feeling that its gonna be a bitch for me to talk to my bff. i havent answered any phone calls today..exp my big mistake of an ex chris..uch..so i said fuck the bitch i dont need the shit..lol ..btw thats not towards u megan. even tho we had are momments i will always luv her and so if ur readin this megan i want you to know ill be there for you always. so if i start acting crazy just kick me in the ass an tell me to get over it...cuz i will.

yeah its been a few days

ok so the past few days ive started to get agervated. some people just dont listen. some people never learn. im an expert at guys an there little games...and something smells fishey.
im trying to get a hold of my girl alyssa. but its difficult. its diffucult to get ahold of anybody..does no one want to talk to me? tommorow im goin up to my mums to see my bro and my son. im afraid to leave megan here by herself. way too many fuckin reasons why i should just stay here. but i want oo see my whole family. im also tired of constant drama. i really do need some me time.

mama mia

ok so yesterday wasss so stressful. megs recent ex is the chief of police and hes trying so hard to ruin her life. hes stalking her and watching everything she does..by myspace and shit. and hes threatening to get her involved with the law. the fucked up thing is shes done nothing wrong...preston is a dirty fucking cop. he deserves hell right now. besides that im a big worry wort...

men are a disease

ok so yesterday had me on my toes. i was about to have a panic attack when something happened(not going into details). xander spent the night last night..he was harder to get to sleep than usual. ugh..when he crys i go freakin nuts. today my mom came and took me and megan to the store..i bought megan a blow up bed and i got grocerys for us...there goes all my money haha. preston which is megs recent ex, is being a complete child. im more of an adult than he ever will be and so is megan. he said something to me that made me feel horible..i almost cried but i held it in...i dont like to cry that much in front of others. well im gona go ttyl

hell yeah

ok so i was up till 400 in the morning trying to find a way to get megan back to charleston. well finally her mom was willing to bring her up here so thats a big relief off me. weve both been crackin up and goofin off. its been fun. i love megan shes amazing. my son is comng up tommorow so meg gets to see him. saturday im going to go out and get a few things with megan. and then wensday im going to my moms since my brother is coming in. i only get to see eric like once in a year..so im not missing a momment i can be spending with him

everydays a picninc untill you have a panic attack

ok so i was gettig worked up so i went and took a wild orchid hot milk bath..i spent about 30 minutes in there. so i got out and as i was putting close on......i had a panic attack..so i lied down i got back up to finish geting dressed and had another panic attack...so by then im at the point of tears..panic attacks are bloddy scary for me. so i laid down and got up to try again and another panic attack so finnally i just laid there for a while.. i just got up a few minutes ago. three panic attacks in a row......im starting to wonder wether i should go back on meds.

my faults that make my guilt

ok so im sittin here crying because i feel bad and all my emotions are a mess. over one person. im usually this hard cold person who trys not to let anything get into my heart..but somehow its not workin now. i hope i dont fall to peices. ok so i wanted to post my faults so i wouldnt feel bad. im an angry person m also always in alot a pain due to my past. im selfish at times and i hate it..i bloody hate it. i still try to impress people even though im perfectly fine with who i am..no wait im not fine with who i am..i can live with myself but im not fine with who i am. im very needy and sometimes i can be dependent...i crave affection and attenion. why i cant stand it. i always feel im never good enough. im a good friend..ill go over backwards for people. but somehow its always to benefit me..i HATE IT. i want to be person who dosent feel like everything they do is to benifit themselfs....i over anylize everything i do. i hate it. i try so hard but get so lazy and quit..I HATE IT. sometimes i do the most drastic things to make people feel bad..im a manipulater..I HATE IT...i feel like im a bad person..the only thing i know is im a good friend and a fucked up person...I HHAAATTTEEE IT im very doubt full tooo..i doubt myself more than anything in the world....i put on a facade that im confident and great...but i hate it..i want to be confident an great...god help me...i want to be free

im fucking flippin out

ok so im stitting here at my apartment bored out of my flippin mind. megan might be comin to stay with me..im looking forward to that...its as simple as this ALL GUYS ARE SCUM lol. for some reason im unuaslly hyper and iritable so everything everyone is doing is pissi me off. while i my recent journeys im come to realize im a very rational person. but my emotions make me look irational.. oh i wanna go have some fun but i dont want to do it alone. i think im gonna go eat some crab legs and scallops im hungry..im a big seafood person. dont know why i just am lol. im a mermaid and i lost my memory and became a human but my lust for the food of the sea remained lloll no jk. ok so i believe my life is going to become more exciting...i just wish life would hurry the fuck up. aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh

pink is my favorite color

ok so ive decided im gonna fye my hair bleach blond with pink highlights..oh i love it. im so ready to do it too yeah. well ive cleaned up some moretoday. tommrow imgonna clean up the rest. right now im watching doctor who and talking to a few people.otherwise...IM BORED

shew.

ok so everything turned out great. megans fine .big relief off my sholder. me and her have been talking about what we are gonna do when im up there at her house, so far we might go fishin shopping. shes gonna dye my hair. and we are just gonna have a ball. weeeeeeee lol
hopefully shes commin up wensday. but first id like her to meet my angel..xander. well right now im worryin about my mother. i havent heard from her today. we talk like everyday and she hasnt picked up the phone when i called. and even worse if somethings happened to mom. my son is at her house all alone. ok ill write more later

when pigs fly

ok so i got this big knot in my chest. im really worred about megan. thats all im thinkin bout right now....its drivin me nuts. if something does go wrong i just got to be there to support her to the fullest. i jus i was there now to support her. besides worrying like mad im jus watchin tv and messin with my myspace.

leslie has her momments

ok so i didnt blog yesterday because my mom, said i couldnt get on her computer, for some dumb ass reason. we got in a big fight to yesterday. i almost took the bus back home. but we worked things out. so im still at her house. i dont think im going home today or tommorow..maybe monday. ill be packing up on grocerys mhmmm i luv food lol. and i love cooking the food, lol. after that i think im gonna clean house and pack. megan might be comin to take me to hang out at hers and her boyfriends house for a couple days. im so glad i finally got my ssi check. i can go and actually spend some money up there. well i have no idea what im gonna do today..my plans are ruined..i had planed to dig up a garden and plant plants i got at the farmers market. i got sweet basil, lemon grass, and i got some aspargus to go right by my horse radish. i just wish i had my own place so i could plant my own garden..aight ttyall l`

hahaha..fuck

ok so im about to head to bed early, ive done nothing all day but for some reason im exhausted. all ive done is watch tv ..talk to my girl megan. luv er to death, and get on the internet. i didnt even cook today.,.wtf. i did go outside though for about 10 minutes and and while i was out there i picked off three bugs. a catapillar, a spider.ehhhhhh. and a green bug. i havent talked to anyone as much as i do megan in a long time..except for my mum i call her like 5 times a day...i geuss somehow maybe im mental an emotionally exushted. who knows. and for some reason today i got really angry over something stuped. i had to go take a few breaths and tell myself everythin is alrght.... i need to start takin my depakote again lol. im gettin upset about everything. ok so imma gonna graba somethina toa eata beforea i a goa toa beda. hmm i dont know what though. my fridge is full of junk that i dont wanna eat and i dont wanna cook either. shit heres a way to lose weight...buy stuff you dont like..thats what i get for not eating before i go grocery shopping. i thnk im gonna clean house tommorow before my mum comes up with xander. me and her are gonna go to the farmers market..im gonna get some more herbs for my garden. i dont know what though. ok im gettin a head ache...im gonna get off here write more senseless crap letter..lol now i sound like my brother..

aaaahhhhhh

ok so i woke up to early this morning. uch i just cant seem to sleep in. i was gonna cook my favrite food mashed pataos when i woke up but then i realized i had no milk..i always drink it all...got milk?...so far today ive watch charmed made coffee, checked my myspace talked to my girl megan and got completely shocked and disgusted by the fact i had some random couple ask me to have a threesome with them on myspace. WTF. here in a few days i have to go grocery shoppin and pay my bills...oh how i hate bills

back at my apartment

my mother dropped me off at my apartment today. it was early too, i was grumpy because mom woke me up so early. so ive been tired and all ive done is sit n my lazy ass. i need to clean up. exp since a friend might be comin over. xander stayed with mom as usual. so far today ive watched tv,played pokemon, and got on the internet. i want to party and be livly. but how the fuck do i do that. well ill write more when i have more to write.

xanders birthday yesterday

so yesterday was xanders birthday

he was kinda fussy throught his birthday party but otherwise it was good. i got him a green hairball, a blow up roller coaster, which he gets inside and rolls in, and a huge ball. xander loved his cake. he just gorged it down. when me and mom were cooking the cake we let him try the icing, and he kept screming untill he got some more. i can tell hes gonna have a sweet tooth.

it was a pretty good day over all.
xander also got a pool, a toy that spins, some bath toys and mopre

today so far i blew up the pool and put water in it. sometime today im gonna take xander outside to play in it with his bath toys. if hes gonna be movin with me to the ocean or by it he needs to get used to water. well i might post more later..untill then

my computer crashed...

so my computer crashed two days ago and my tech savy family fixed it for me. i think. so now i can use my computer again yay...i went to a wedding shower today. my brothers best friend is getting married, kevin. all though the girl hes getting marred to is retarted an annoying. ive always looked up to kevin. i never though hed marry an idiot. xander was a complete dollbaby there..didnt whine once for the whole 3 hours. though he is unusually calm for a baby. though tommorow he wont be a baby anymore..hell be a toddler. he turns one. i got him a big blow up wheel that he could get inside and roll around in. i also got him a HUGE bouncy ball. i know xander will love it. also xander took his first step today..unbelievable.. a week ago he learned how to stand. my son is superhuman lol. incredibly calm, smart, and beautiful. very quick learner..well he was slow on crawling..but once he learned he was flyin. well i think im gonna get off here and eat some ciniomon rolls. only thing ive had today is spagetti...oh but it was good..ok wml

frustration resurfaced

ok so i was going back to my old aim for a momment and geuss who pops up on my screen. an old ex (joey)who i havent talked to in a year and a half. its amazing how he would keep my screenname on his aim. at first i didnt recognize the screen name then as soon as he metoned his name i became infuriated and signed off. not to long ago he tried to get in contact with me. he messaged me on myspace and i denied his friend request. after all of the shit he put me through. he thinks im gonna just be all hunky dory with him. hes out of his flippin mind. if i ever see him again im gonna straight up kick his ass back where he belongs.

the life of me so far

ok i have no idea where to start but ill try. i was born feb 16 1989 at 2:35 pm . my brother wanted to name me wesley but my mom bargained with him and said leslie. my father was kicked out by my mother before i was born. so ive never met my biological father. i was quite the honry child growing up. i hit kciked and bit my mom constanly whenever i didnt get what i wanted. i started seeing a shrink at the age of 4 believe it or not. a psychitrist and a thearpist. my first time in a mental hospital was at the age of 4. the only father i knew was buzz my brothers dad. and he only came up on sundays. he was a great man to untill he died when i was 10. after that i started acting out and had to go back and see a shrink. i was seen at the once shawnee hills(now prestera) with a thearpist and at behavioral medcine with a psychitrist. it didnt help much. i was put into a behavoral porgram called davis stuart in lewisburg wv. i was 12 at this time. this i also when i became pagan. i was there for a year and a half before i was pulled out because it wasnt helping me. i was still as physically agressive as ever. i went home for about 6 months until i got really agressive again and went into a minors jail untill they found me a place at pressley ridge whiteoak. a lockdown behavoiral moddification facility. i was there for 9 motnhs untill they felt i was ready to be realeased. and i went home again and i went to herbert hoover highschool in my hometown. there i took drama classes and chourus classes. i certainly wasnt the best student in the world but i did love the arts. while in chorus i met someone name joey, the first guy i ever fell in love with. he had asked me out first. i denied him at first because i didnt like him but i decided to give him a chance. at firs t we were alot alike we went out for a year until i found out he was going back out with his old sweetie. i broke up with him but still loved him. only later to find out from him that it was all i big scheme to get his old girlfriend back from that point on i hated him and stoped talking to him. this being two years from when we first broke up. i went on rebound with another guy named william untill he broke up with me for his ex..then i just blew. i got into a huge fight with his ex that he dumped me over. so i was arrested that same day and takin to a juvinelle jail again. thankfully i got out the same day and went to river park a mental hospital for youth. most people would have got suspended for a week..no not me. i got sent off again. there iwas went through diagnostic testing untill they put me in their facilty for the seroiusly emotionally disturbed. barboursville school. after i was there for 6 months i was transfered to a step down facility called preslley ridge odyssey. like all the others it was a group of ten or less girls living together. i actually met a good friend of mine there. i spent almost a year there until i turned 18 then i walked out.(these facilitys cant hold adults if they dont want to stay. so i went home and took my ged and went to college at state university in institute unill i got knocked up by a guy i never should have got involved with. i dropped out . went home and me and mom got into a fight again and she kicked me out. so i went to a homeless shelter called brookside shelter in kanawaha city. while i was there i had a huge change in my belief. i had a very strange dream it eventually brought me back to believing in god/christianity. i decided i couldnt live without the magick so i settled for both paganisim and christianity. its more like i believe in god but i also believe in magick and the paranormal anyways after being at the shelter for a whilei came in conflict with the staff. i got so angry with the shlter staff i walked out. sincei had nowhere else to go my mother took me back in. about 8 months into my pregnancy i got really sick. i got severe pains and rushed to the emergency room. i was in the hospital for a week while there i had to have a c section. my babys heart was failing. so i had a son. alexander herschel christenson. he was in nicu for a week because of bvreatrhing problems. i didnt get to see him for a week though because i was quarintened. at that time they didnt know what was wrong with me. they just thought i had the flu so i got released and got celulitis too. a week later my breathing was basicly hypervenilating and i was rushed to the hospital again. all my stats were off the wall. finally they found out i had severe nemonia and a plural fusion caused by it. the plural effusion is what caused the pain that i went to the hospital the first time. i even almost had to have surgry to remove the fluid. two months after i got out i got extrmely agressive and was sent to highland mental hospital for a week. mom watched xander for me. i got out and two weeks i was back in the hosptal at bateman. i stayed there for almost three months untill they felt iwas safe for myself and others. while there mom got temperary custody of my son so that cps wouldnt try and take him. when i got out i went to a transitional shelter untill my mom got really sick and i had to come home and take care of her and my son. bout a month later i got my own place. where im at now. vista view apartments charleston wv. the agreemant was xander stays with mom untill im stable on my meds and am finacially stable. so far ive been in the apartment2 months. so now im planing to go back to school and my mother has agreed to watch him while i get ready and while im in school. i plan to go to carver career center in august fot culinary school towards becoming a chef. then i plan to work on a cruise line and possibly move to honolulu oahu, hawaii. i still see xander all the time. im as much in his life as if he were never gone. but im trying to fufill my dreams so i can beter fufill my sons. thats my life so far