when im with him i am thinking of you

ok so heres the update..ive been back in contact with matt and for some reason completely fell..i didnt tell him that tho..i just told him i hadnt been attracted to a guy in over a year untill i started to talk to him...he was atually supposed to come up today but he never showed...im really hurt over that..i started crying..crying for god sakes....andi cant call him for some reason his phone wont work..and he hasnt called me or bothered to call and say hey..im not showing..fuck that man..i met some new awesome friends..leah,paul and jeremy...jeremy likes me tho but nothing really clicks..but once matt told me he wasnt into me i said what the hell..lets give this guy a try..but when im with him all im thinking of is matt. wtf its so wrong but i cant stop...i dont understand i dont...and the fucked up thing is that in highschool matt was like inlove with me and now that i am into him its like..wtf ever..yeah im always second best...as many times as ive been thru this shit ud think itd hurt less..it hurts more and more.....i wish hed call me..if he really caqres like he says he wouldnt leave me hangin...but who knows...

halluluia..oh wait..i forgot his number

ok so i went swimin today..i met this really cute guy 24 yers old and likes everything i like...except..i didnt have the guts to ask his number....i was waitin for him..tuped stuped me...he loved the ocean, to travel, and he made me feel speacial...not many people can do that anymore..so im..like fuck it.so ima have to go to kianawha city pool more often and tey to catch this guys number....im back at my apartment for the first time in a week...and a feel a hell of alot beter than when i left.....supposbly one a my friends might be comn back up to live with me but....idk..somethin just doesent seem right to me.....but maybe im being paranoid...who knows....ive been dalin with the he said she said drama again. i hate that shit..but everything got worked out on both sides so its alright......one of my friends moms is callin me askin bout her daughter..well she left a voicemail cuz i wasnt there at the time my phone rang...i was swimming..(hugs water)...so when i heard the voicemail..i was like shit..cuz my friend had asked me to not tell her where shes at but her mother was like please call me back i really need to get ahold of her..i really like her mom and want to tell her whats goin on but o also dont want to upset my friend and ruin our friendship...so im in a kind of perdicument here....thats life for ya tho...so yeah...well im gonna go try and get ahold of this dude i just met..so holla if ya know me..if not get the fuck off my blog

fuck fuck fuck fuck

ok so im sittin here cryin my eyes out hopin to god that its not her on the computer at her house..cuz if so that means shes not pickin up which means her stuped mother fucking boyfriend is tellin her no can speak to me..and if i find out thats the case im gonna go down to belington police station and start some helll. and if its that she rather choose him over me as a friend..well then ive just about had it. i wish everone would just shut the fuck up and listen to me for once..ive been thru it fucking all ...i love megan to death..i fuckin do but this is bullshit..maybe im just overreactin. maybe its him from his computer at work and megans out somewhere...but if thats not the case im gonna give people hell. IVE HAD IT

she be talkin to me like im dumb. i shouldve known

ok so today i was horrible. me and megan got into a argument and then she left today. i cried before she left but after she left i think i cried for three hours straight...ohh if you could only feel my headache. i called a hotline and they calmed me down..my mom says shes tired of me and my problems. so no help from thatcold hearted bitch......i hate my mm sometimes. i just got done eating cheeses stick...i have this bad feeling that its gonna be a bitch for me to talk to my bff. i havent answered any phone calls today..exp my big mistake of an ex chris..uch..so i said fuck the bitch i dont need the shit..lol ..btw thats not towards u megan. even tho we had are momments i will always luv her and so if ur readin this megan i want you to know ill be there for you always. so if i start acting crazy just kick me in the ass an tell me to get over it...cuz i will.

yeah its been a few days

ok so the past few days ive started to get agervated. some people just dont listen. some people never learn. im an expert at guys an there little games...and something smells fishey.
im trying to get a hold of my girl alyssa. but its difficult. its diffucult to get ahold of anybody..does no one want to talk to me? tommorow im goin up to my mums to see my bro and my son. im afraid to leave megan here by herself. way too many fuckin reasons why i should just stay here. but i want oo see my whole family. im also tired of constant drama. i really do need some me time.

mama mia

ok so yesterday wasss so stressful. megs recent ex is the chief of police and hes trying so hard to ruin her life. hes stalking her and watching everything she does..by myspace and shit. and hes threatening to get her involved with the law. the fucked up thing is shes done nothing wrong...preston is a dirty fucking cop. he deserves hell right now. besides that im a big worry wort...

men are a disease

ok so yesterday had me on my toes. i was about to have a panic attack when something happened(not going into details). xander spent the night last night..he was harder to get to sleep than usual. ugh..when he crys i go freakin nuts. today my mom came and took me and megan to the store..i bought megan a blow up bed and i got grocerys for us...there goes all my money haha. preston which is megs recent ex, is being a complete child. im more of an adult than he ever will be and so is megan. he said something to me that made me feel horible..i almost cried but i held it in...i dont like to cry that much in front of others. well im gona go ttyl

hell yeah

ok so i was up till 400 in the morning trying to find a way to get megan back to charleston. well finally her mom was willing to bring her up here so thats a big relief off me. weve both been crackin up and goofin off. its been fun. i love megan shes amazing. my son is comng up tommorow so meg gets to see him. saturday im going to go out and get a few things with megan. and then wensday im going to my moms since my brother is coming in. i only get to see eric like once in a year..so im not missing a momment i can be spending with him

everydays a picninc untill you have a panic attack

ok so i was gettig worked up so i went and took a wild orchid hot milk bath..i spent about 30 minutes in there. so i got out and as i was putting close on......i had a panic attack..so i lied down i got back up to finish geting dressed and had another panic attack...so by then im at the point of tears..panic attacks are bloddy scary for me. so i laid down and got up to try again and another panic attack so finnally i just laid there for a while.. i just got up a few minutes ago. three panic attacks in a row......im starting to wonder wether i should go back on meds.

my faults that make my guilt

ok so im sittin here crying because i feel bad and all my emotions are a mess. over one person. im usually this hard cold person who trys not to let anything get into my heart..but somehow its not workin now. i hope i dont fall to peices. ok so i wanted to post my faults so i wouldnt feel bad. im an angry person m also always in alot a pain due to my past. im selfish at times and i hate it..i bloody hate it. i still try to impress people even though im perfectly fine with who i am..no wait im not fine with who i am..i can live with myself but im not fine with who i am. im very needy and sometimes i can be dependent...i crave affection and attenion. why i cant stand it. i always feel im never good enough. im a good friend..ill go over backwards for people. but somehow its always to benefit me..i HATE IT. i want to be person who dosent feel like everything they do is to benifit themselfs....i over anylize everything i do. i hate it. i try so hard but get so lazy and quit..I HATE IT. sometimes i do the most drastic things to make people feel bad..im a manipulater..I HATE IT...i feel like im a bad person..the only thing i know is im a good friend and a fucked up person...I HHAAATTTEEE IT im very doubt full tooo..i doubt myself more than anything in the world....i put on a facade that im confident and great...but i hate it..i want to be confident an great...god help me...i want to be free

im fucking flippin out

ok so im stitting here at my apartment bored out of my flippin mind. megan might be comin to stay with me..im looking forward to that...its as simple as this ALL GUYS ARE SCUM lol. for some reason im unuaslly hyper and iritable so everything everyone is doing is pissi me off. while i my recent journeys im come to realize im a very rational person. but my emotions make me look irational.. oh i wanna go have some fun but i dont want to do it alone. i think im gonna go eat some crab legs and scallops im hungry..im a big seafood person. dont know why i just am lol. im a mermaid and i lost my memory and became a human but my lust for the food of the sea remained lloll no jk. ok so i believe my life is going to become more exciting...i just wish life would hurry the fuck up. aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh

pink is my favorite color

ok so ive decided im gonna fye my hair bleach blond with pink highlights..oh i love it. im so ready to do it too yeah. well ive cleaned up some moretoday. tommrow imgonna clean up the rest. right now im watching doctor who and talking to a few people.otherwise...IM BORED

shew.

ok so everything turned out great. megans fine .big relief off my sholder. me and her have been talking about what we are gonna do when im up there at her house, so far we might go fishin shopping. shes gonna dye my hair. and we are just gonna have a ball. weeeeeeee lol
hopefully shes commin up wensday. but first id like her to meet my angel..xander. well right now im worryin about my mother. i havent heard from her today. we talk like everyday and she hasnt picked up the phone when i called. and even worse if somethings happened to mom. my son is at her house all alone. ok ill write more later

when pigs fly

ok so i got this big knot in my chest. im really worred about megan. thats all im thinkin bout right now....its drivin me nuts. if something does go wrong i just got to be there to support her to the fullest. i jus i was there now to support her. besides worrying like mad im jus watchin tv and messin with my myspace.

leslie has her momments

ok so i didnt blog yesterday because my mom, said i couldnt get on her computer, for some dumb ass reason. we got in a big fight to yesterday. i almost took the bus back home. but we worked things out. so im still at her house. i dont think im going home today or tommorow..maybe monday. ill be packing up on grocerys mhmmm i luv food lol. and i love cooking the food, lol. after that i think im gonna clean house and pack. megan might be comin to take me to hang out at hers and her boyfriends house for a couple days. im so glad i finally got my ssi check. i can go and actually spend some money up there. well i have no idea what im gonna do today..my plans are ruined..i had planed to dig up a garden and plant plants i got at the farmers market. i got sweet basil, lemon grass, and i got some aspargus to go right by my horse radish. i just wish i had my own place so i could plant my own garden..aight ttyall l`