everydays a picninc untill you have a panic attack

ok so i was gettig worked up so i went and took a wild orchid hot milk bath..i spent about 30 minutes in there. so i got out and as i was putting close on......i had a panic attack..so i lied down i got back up to finish geting dressed and had another panic attack...so by then im at the point of tears..panic attacks are bloddy scary for me. so i laid down and got up to try again and another panic attack so finnally i just laid there for a while.. i just got up a few minutes ago. three panic attacks in a row......im starting to wonder wether i should go back on meds.

my faults that make my guilt

ok so im sittin here crying because i feel bad and all my emotions are a mess. over one person. im usually this hard cold person who trys not to let anything get into my heart..but somehow its not workin now. i hope i dont fall to peices. ok so i wanted to post my faults so i wouldnt feel bad. im an angry person m also always in alot a pain due to my past. im selfish at times and i hate it..i bloody hate it. i still try to impress people even though im perfectly fine with who i am..no wait im not fine with who i am..i can live with myself but im not fine with who i am. im very needy and sometimes i can be dependent...i crave affection and attenion. why i cant stand it. i always feel im never good enough. im a good friend..ill go over backwards for people. but somehow its always to benefit me..i HATE IT. i want to be person who dosent feel like everything they do is to benifit themselfs....i over anylize everything i do. i hate it. i try so hard but get so lazy and quit..I HATE IT. sometimes i do the most drastic things to make people feel bad..im a manipulater..I HATE IT...i feel like im a bad person..the only thing i know is im a good friend and a fucked up person...I HHAAATTTEEE IT im very doubt full tooo..i doubt myself more than anything in the world....i put on a facade that im confident and great...but i hate it..i want to be confident an great...god help me...i want to be free

im fucking flippin out

ok so im stitting here at my apartment bored out of my flippin mind. megan might be comin to stay with me..im looking forward to that...its as simple as this ALL GUYS ARE SCUM lol. for some reason im unuaslly hyper and iritable so everything everyone is doing is pissi me off. while i my recent journeys im come to realize im a very rational person. but my emotions make me look irational.. oh i wanna go have some fun but i dont want to do it alone. i think im gonna go eat some crab legs and scallops im hungry..im a big seafood person. dont know why i just am lol. im a mermaid and i lost my memory and became a human but my lust for the food of the sea remained lloll no jk. ok so i believe my life is going to become more exciting...i just wish life would hurry the fuck up. aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh

pink is my favorite color

ok so ive decided im gonna fye my hair bleach blond with pink highlights..oh i love it. im so ready to do it too yeah. well ive cleaned up some moretoday. tommrow imgonna clean up the rest. right now im watching doctor who and talking to a few people.otherwise...IM BORED

shew.

ok so everything turned out great. megans fine .big relief off my sholder. me and her have been talking about what we are gonna do when im up there at her house, so far we might go fishin shopping. shes gonna dye my hair. and we are just gonna have a ball. weeeeeeee lol
hopefully shes commin up wensday. but first id like her to meet my angel..xander. well right now im worryin about my mother. i havent heard from her today. we talk like everyday and she hasnt picked up the phone when i called. and even worse if somethings happened to mom. my son is at her house all alone. ok ill write more later

when pigs fly

ok so i got this big knot in my chest. im really worred about megan. thats all im thinkin bout right now....its drivin me nuts. if something does go wrong i just got to be there to support her to the fullest. i jus i was there now to support her. besides worrying like mad im jus watchin tv and messin with my myspace.

leslie has her momments

ok so i didnt blog yesterday because my mom, said i couldnt get on her computer, for some dumb ass reason. we got in a big fight to yesterday. i almost took the bus back home. but we worked things out. so im still at her house. i dont think im going home today or tommorow..maybe monday. ill be packing up on grocerys mhmmm i luv food lol. and i love cooking the food, lol. after that i think im gonna clean house and pack. megan might be comin to take me to hang out at hers and her boyfriends house for a couple days. im so glad i finally got my ssi check. i can go and actually spend some money up there. well i have no idea what im gonna do today..my plans are ruined..i had planed to dig up a garden and plant plants i got at the farmers market. i got sweet basil, lemon grass, and i got some aspargus to go right by my horse radish. i just wish i had my own place so i could plant my own garden..aight ttyall l`